Bipolar and a Long Flight
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
My first reality break occurred 12 years ago while on vacation. Thus every vacation forward from that event, has been met with much anxiety. It has gotten easier. I have learned some healthy skills to cope and I try to only travel where I would feel comfortable. Last year was a troublesome one and I was not able to travel at all. Now better, I was looking forward to this year. I had been invited by a friend to Hawaii and it was her treat. My first feeling was exhilaration. On a whim I accepted.
Then came the doubts and the what ifs. My biggest concern was my medication. The flight to Hawaii is quite long. Flying has always been a bit unsettling. Plus, I did not know if I could keep on track with my medicine. My daily takes are my life line. Last year I was sent another psychotic episode, I am currently on more medicines that ever. These medications are bound by time. Taking them as prescribed has kept break-through moods from silent.
Well, I did it. The plane trip was terrific. I took enough books and magazines my carry-on could hold. I brought things that were familiar to me such as: a small pillow, my favorite water, and a blanket. I kept myself organized. The flight back from Hawaii, not as equal to the beginning one, still went without incident. A sense of fatigue hit me when I was back home. I reasoned it came with sticking to my medicines regardless of the change in time zones.
While there, the trip was lovely. In the last 12 years since my diagnosis, I only had a great flight and trip one time. It was this time.
Writer’s Block
Thursday, July 2, 2009
I have been writing for most of my life. There are probably atleast a dozen journals hidden within my bookshelves. I have even more in my attic. Small notebooks with scribbled phrases are tucked here and there waiting to be formulated into a story. Expressing myself with words takes me to a special place. It is my gift to myself and my gift to others. I cast myself fortunate that I am able to verbalize the words in my head. Communicating in written word as well as oral, provides me with comfort. I happen to feel they are both for me. If someone else finds my small utterances significant, I receive even greater pleasure.
Lately, academic writing has kept away other intentions. I’ve had hours of research time invested in my products. Now, with my time being released from this genre, it is hard to find where my creativity left off. Finally, I just took a break. When I woke up this morning, I decided to return, yearning to “bang the keys once more.” It is almost as if I have kicked the block down. Returning to the place I know best.
An Unwanted Pet
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
So, I have this coworker that bugs me. She gets away with the least amount of work. Always says she will do things and never follows through, and really looks out for the best things for herself. I sometimes get so frustrated with her I want to knock her block off. She think she is the boss. The boss doesn’t see it. It has to do with her doing “little nice thingees” for the boss that she is able to constantly continue. Okay, so she’s the bosses pet. How does one get to be the boss’s pet? Is there a place where you can sign up or pay money to get it?
I work hard and I dedicate myself to overcoming the million different moods that want to manifest themselves at any given moment.
Everyday I watch her and others. I try not to. I know by watching her and those like, it will just frustrate me even more. I really don’t want the unnecessary energy depletion looking at someone else causes. I must choose to look within.
An anonymous person once said, “If you chase two rabbits, both will escape.” I have enough trouble chasing myself.
When it doesn’t go my way
Monday, May 25, 2009
As the title names, oftentimes things don’t go the way I want them to. I am faced with a responsibility and a choice. The responsibility is to myself and others. The choice is whether I allow it to intrude on my recovery. The later is usually the result. The keen ability to separate what is happening now from my continuing illness, is not characteristic. I am getting better. As my bipolar becomes remiss, more success occurs. When I am inflamed with symptoms, it all seems like a huge myriad of feelings. Sadness, anxiety, anger and other moods occur normally when life doesn’t happen the the way one wants it to. When you mix a mood disorder with that, it gets icky.
I have often wondered what it would be to respond normally to life events. Is there such a thing? I doubt it. I can, however, work through all the feelings with some of the strategies I have learned. Like to recognize what is a normal response. Especially, when I am over doing the feeling thing.
Anyone with their share of hurt has trouble when things don’t turn out the wanted way. The obvious thinking that life is sticking it to us again is most prevelant. Instead of allowing things to unfold naturally, we try and force it to occur our way. We just don’t want to be let down, to have another thing to add to our list of dissappointments.
Trying to respond healthier is a learning process. Forcing feelings, good or bad, always turns out badly. While I know I can let things occur naturally, I don’t always want them to. It is like drying a load of clothes, you throw everyting in the barrel together and hope it tumbles out the right way.
Gives a newer meaning to the whole life xxxxx (can’t bring myself to type that word) then you die.
Favorably
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Relaxing outside with a friend recently, I got a word to think on. My friend remarked, “How fortuitous your life events have been.” With extreme puzzlement, I responded, with the predictable “what?”
I don’t consider myself a person who is filled with opportunity. I learned in early adulthood that if I needed something to happen, I was going to have to work hard. Equally, I learned that oftentimes hard work is not enough. My thinking evolved from early experiences. My life has consisted of much loss, trauma, and victimization.
And that is without the diagnosis of bipolar riding along. Fortuity would not be how I would define my life events. I asked my friend to give reason to her offerring. She said, “You don’t get to choose the things that happen to you, they choose you. The past now years ago (and healed through years of therapy) have positioned you to be the person you are. Equally, the current distress you undergo, places you in your path for the future.”
Maybe, my life is becoming more aggreable. Not because one excellent thing after another is happening. I have found peace with the past, acceptance of the now, and hope for my future. The look of all, is a bit shabby. I just work hard at it. As I perfect my abilities, more favor comes.
Fly
Sunday, May 10, 2009
At a ceremony I attended this week, an eagle was released over the stadium. I stood and watched, almost feeling the wind from the downward flight span of the eagle.
I felt still inside.
Later, I longed to move. Like the eagle, I wanted to fly overhead and decide where I wanted to land.
My moods are more acceptable now. My largest grief is the time I have lost. The time I could have used to soar.
Playing Safe
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
My therapist and I were discussing my social life or rather lack of. We decided that I was being careful or “playing safe” as my title infers. I have learned through this journey there are people I can’t be with. It takes a knowledge of what is best for me and the discipline to follow through. I liken it to the kid who gets hurt by another playing in the sandbox. He or she gets up an moves to a different sandbox. The thing is I can’t just move, I have to leave the playground.
Being in the transition from bad relationships to better ones is hard. I think I can’t let my gaurd down. Yet, I know if I don’t bring my shield down a bit, I will stay reclusive. Not allowing others in is appealing, however, it is equally bad for continued healthiness. In my mind I think I will just take life alone to avoid the feelings I might incur from relationships. I remain alone and the loneliness becomes a faucet for unwanted feelings.
My only option is to play safe. I have a working knowledge of what characteristics of a relationship need to be present. I don’t need anyone who drains me, is reckless, harbors toxic feelings, and is basically incapable of a relationship. My relationships don’t need to know about my illness or even understand it. They do, however, need to be neutral at least in their view. I can’t relate with someone who has a negative view of mental illness.
I know I am safe inside my world. As I reach beyond it, I trust I have the skills to seek and find relations that help me. I remember the words of AA “Do no harm.” Me to others and others to me.
The Fog that Rolled In
Saturday, April 18, 2009
When I was diagnosed with bipolar (mania and depression) at first I thought I could cope on my own. Then, I decided I needed a little help and succumbed to therapy with a minimal medication. Next, I got things really messed up and realized my current life was unmanageable. I somehow found myself back at step one and in a major mess. I did not want to face my drinking, spending, and irrationality. I had hurt others. Inside I felt recovery was grim. Finally, I landed in my psychiatrists office and spilled the truth.
Then came the medication merry-go-round. At first, the side effects were unbearable. I felt like I was a ship all alone in the sea. A fog had rolled in and would not lift. I could see or feel nothing. Then, I got well and decided I could do it on my own. Like most with bipolar, I loathed the medication and weaned myself off. Then came another round of irresponsible behavior, drinking, and spending. This time, however, the worst imaginable depression occurred. The fog I spoke of earlier? It was mild compared to the depression that saddled my soul. I was a complete mess. I decided to do the next right thing that occurred. Thankfully it occurred to me to see my old friend, Dr. psychiatrist.
We worked out a “cocktail” (quite ironic given my drinking) of medication. It has worked thus far and of course, I am in therapy. I realize sometimes less is not best, more is best. I shudder at the medication I am on. I know, however, it has saved my life. I would have “done it.” I had a plan and the means. I’d like to take credit for choosing a different path. The path chose me. I am by no means perfect. I still have many issues to deal with. The fog has rolled away. Things are still fuzzy, but I can see to navigate myself through this crazy world.
Bipolar Success
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
So it has been a while. I’m not going to gripe, complain, or make excuses for my “blogging abandonment” Being bipolar is the only answer needed.
I have been thinking about what successful victims of bipolar do. From my experience, my therapist and psychiatrists’ input, group therapy, and of course fellow bloggers, I have compiled a list.
We take our medication as prescribed and follow our psychs plan for us diligently.
Are we victims? Yes, maybe, however, can we see our illness as the means to understand ourselves? As Kay Redfield Jamison (An Unquiet Mind, Vintage Books) writes:
“I have often asked myself whether, given the choice, I would choose to have manic-depressive illness . . . I honestly believe that as a result of it I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and have been more loved. . . . Laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters…” We can pray for acceptance and even further to embrace our disease as a means to bring about a more passionate life.
As persons with bipolar, we seek out those who can help us and rid ourselves from those that do us harm.
We go easy on ourselves. The smallest accomplishment is a great victory.
Journaling is our redemption. We cleanse ourselves of toxins and use our own words for healing and hope.
We read. Anything we can get our hands on that might help us with our journey.
Our support system is strong. It is our lifeline. When we are desperate, depressed, and devastated, we call upon others for strength.
We advocate for ourselves and others. I believe this is what makes us feel strong. Letting go of what we can’t change and picking up the things we can (and working those things with all our might) gives us purpose.
I hope and pray for success in the journey. For all of us.~
Opportunity
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Today I got stuck waiting in traffic. I decided a long time ago not to allow things like waiting in line, at doctor’s appointments, and traffic to cause me anxiety. It has helped calm moods on many instances. Waiting today, I watched as a car seized an opening and was able to jump right in a lane of cars as they began to move. I stayed stuck. It was an opprotunity for me to practice waiting once again. I though about it as I waited and eventually was able to move along. Seizing opportunities is not a strength for me. It is like I am living my life in delayed reaction.
When I was in college working on my undergraduate, my favorite saying was “Carpe Diem.” It was a time in my life where my moods were stable. I felt one with myself and took life as it was. Opportunity seemed to fulfill itself continually. I am not sure at which point I switched from the living to wishing. I just found myself feeling more and more that life was not offering me many opportunities. There are days when I think of that period in my life and yearn for its return. I get stuck in reliving each and every moment. As I do that, I begin to loathe my current status. I try and force opportunities to come my way. I begin to expect the unrealistic. This all leads to frustration and unhappiness.
How watching a car in traffic can bring all those feelings forward is beyond the scope of my imagination. I recognize the desire for opprotunity that lies within my soul. I wonder if it will come once again. Maybe it has but my lack of belief in goodness being my friend has blinded me from its sight.
I have decided I am going to find it. I don’t want to demand it or even expect it. I just want to look for it. Maybe soon I will heardling “Carpe Diem” once again.
