Bipolar Journey

Okay, I am really annoyed of this.  It is really my fault.  I got to feeling better, stopped going to therapy and yes, ceased taking my medicine.  Of course, then came mania followed by depression.  That was a few months ago and well, here I sit.  I got back on the Seroquel Wagon.  I am using the Xanax to “abort the nasty panic attacks” as my pdoc prescribed.  Of course my old friend, Prozac, finds it way to my belly nightly.  I am better, but not out the woods.  I believe I am getting the pharmalogical benefits necessary from the medication.  It’s just something still does not feel right.   

Now, I am getting over the flu.  I got this sinus infection and my regular doctor put my on an antibiotic.  I hate antibiotics.  They cause me unwanted anxiety.  Talking this over with my pdoc, she said even people not prone to anxiety sometimes suffer from it while antibiotics.  Is that so?  Sorry for the sarcasm here, but is it to much to ask for the thing that is supposed to make you well, not to make you more sick?

I have been digging around in the closet for some of my ”old tools.”  I have done the whole H.A.L.T.-am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired AA questioning.   As predicted, the answer was yes to all.  I’m on Seroquel remember?  I have prayed the Serenity Prayer, The Lord’s Prayer, and even Psalm 23 (it worked for David).  I am “journaling” my thoughts and yes, “taking care of myself.” I even tried my sister’s advice to “will myself better.” 

I am stuck.  Being stuck coming out of an episode is bad.  It is the time where you start to feel sorry for yourself.  I hate this feeling.  I want remission to come to my door.  I promise I will let it in and treat it quite friendly.  Another part of my “old tools” involves a very to the point friend.  The kind of friend that tells it to you straight and does not apologize.  She suggested some things I have forgotten:  Therapy, excercise, and maybe coming out of the house . . .

Okay, I’m on it.