Dang it. I hate it when I realize I am depressed. I mean I really hate it. I had a medication change a couple of months ago and it triggered mania. I have decided mania is pretty fun. It is, however, a slippery slope to depression. In the midst of it all comes that blasted anxiety. I honesty believe that I will be like this forever (depressed) this brings me terror morning, noon, and night. Now I know it’s not true. For ten years I have dealt with this thing called bipolar. I have learned the anxiety only goes so far, the depression does not last years, and the mania, well it just does not come around enough.
I hate loosing my humor. It is the humor that gives me a feeling of living. If you can’t laugh you feel dead. I know this sounds like a downer post, I’m sorry. I know soon I will be in a better place. I am kind of like the weather. I will change. Not every day is sunny, or cloudy, or stormy. There are some days it feels like forever.
Just rambling here, but if it never happened. If the humor never returned, could I accept even that? I would have to and the closer I come to acceptance, I edge toward recovery. Odd, but embracing all the feelings causing them to lose their power. Even the humor.
Lizzie
I know what you mean. Humor and depression are very poor bedfellows. The good thing I’ve had to say about bipolar disorder is, “Whatever the symptoms are at the moment, they’ll eventually flip around to something different.”
Lizzie,
I know exactly how you feel. One of the things I try to do as soon as I realize I am hitting bottom is stop everything and go to bed. That is not always possible. But I try to reduce as many activities as possible and put all of my energy (or lack thereof) into rest and recovery. This usually, but not always, shortens the depressive episode. Just an idea. If you work, this is so hard. I am semi-retired and self-employed so it is easier for me. I will be praying for you!
Nicki
Lizzie, Thanks for sharing such a touching and real post. I too treasure humor. It is a balancing act for me because humor also leads me toward the manic and back to depression. I find that I keep limits on my expression of humor just to avoid getting out of control. I know there are better ways of having the joy of humor while keeping it in balance.I keep searching. Peace, Annie