Bipolar Journey

When I was diagnosed with bipolar (mania and depression) at first I thought I could cope on my own.  Then, I decided I needed a little help and succumbed to therapy with a minimal medication.  Next, I got things really messed up and realized my current life was unmanageable.  I somehow found myself back at step one and in a major mess.  I did not want to face my drinking, spending, and irrationality.  I had hurt others.  Inside I felt recovery was grim.  Finally, I landed in my psychiatrists office and spilled the truth. 

Then came the medication merry-go-round.  At first, the side effects were unbearable.  I felt like I was a ship all alone in the sea.  A fog had rolled in and would not lift.  I could see or feel nothing. Then, I got well and decided I could do it on my own.  Like most with bipolar, I loathed the medication and weaned myself off.  Then came another round of irresponsible behavior, drinking, and spending.  This time, however, the worst imaginable depression occurred.  The fog I spoke of earlier? It was mild compared to the depression that saddled my soul.  I was a complete mess.  I decided to do the next right thing that occurred.  Thankfully it occurred to me to see my old friend, Dr. psychiatrist. 

We worked out a “cocktail” (quite ironic given my drinking) of medication.  It has worked thus far and of course, I am in therapy.  I realize sometimes less is not best, more is best.  I shudder at the medication I am on.  I know, however, it has saved my life.  I would have “done it.”  I had a plan and the means.  I’d like to take credit for choosing a different path.  The path chose me.  I am by no means perfect.  I still have many issues to deal with.  The fog has rolled away.  Things are still fuzzy, but I can see to navigate myself through this crazy world.