Sleeping through the night has become a bit problematic for me. I find myself deep in thinking and having hang-ups on certain portions of my life. My mind makes certain assumptions which leads to panic. When I was first diagnosed, my beginning psychotherapy included cognitive behavioral therapy to help me get a grasp on my thoughts. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) works for thoughts not caused by external sources. I get these ideas which have the capability to freak me out, from nowhere but my own mind. For example, today I start thinking my life will never change. My thinking went something like this: “I will always get depressed during the holidays and dread them like a case of the flu. Misery will accompany me and there is a probability I may never feel happy for any extended period of time.” Left untouched this thinking becomes a part of my belief system. It spirals me through the panic, anxiety, mania, depression cycle. My first therapist helped me to change my thinking: even if my current situation never changed. The CBT involved work. I had to work at changing the negative thoughts. I am not and never will be one of those who believe in the so called “power of positive thinking.” The change I used, stemmed from reality to reality in a continual process. Here’s how I learned to deal with some of my thoughts, like, “You should be ashamed of what you came from. Even if you did not do the things your family members did, you are still a part of the most awful people in the world.” “You are disgusting.” I would feel those lousy feelings then tell myself “I can’t control what my family did.” “Their behavior was disgusting, but I was not a part of that.” “The truth is I am in control of my now and my future.” “My history will always be painful, but it is does not determine my future.” I mentally separate myself from the behaviors of others and the feelings they open up. It leads me out of the shame. With the panic attacks, I could tell myself, “This is scary. I am so frightened. It will not last forever. Very soon the feelings will go away and I will feel calm.” It would not take the attack away. but it helped me through it.
My best work was done through accountability. I selected friends to help me during the tough times. They would tell me to “stop!” I would then begin to tell myself to “stop!” If I had to say it out loud I would. Writing was another way to work through the thinking. I would allow myself a rant in my journal. I would re-read and write in the margins the truth. Sometimes I did not do it right away. I wallowed in my feelings for a time. Othertimes, I could quickly relieve the feelings with better thought choices. It was work and it got easier. I have gotten away from the behavior management. My current therapists uses more “talk therapy” she leads me to come around to the answers I need on my own. It has been what I have needed. Now, I can add some behavior modifications and get some better results.
You, know I may never know true joy, true happiness, and true love. My life doesn’t have to be empty and I can navigate it to calmness and peace. See? I am aware and slowly I can get there.
Lizzie
This is great. I love how to talk sense to yourself, make yourself accountable to friends and now adding talk therapy. You have inspired me today. It is nice to see someone who is not just complaining and blaming but taking action and seeing results! Keep up the good work!
Hi, i read your blog . I have a friend who is suffering from a bipolar disorder. I wanted to help him but i dont know how . I just listen to him all the time,he tell about his fears and he feels like some ghost is touching him. I just explained to him about ghost stuff, coz i think thats what he wants to hear, just to calm him down.
One time he mentioned, he wants to kill himself so that spirit who tries to control his mind will go away. I really dont know what to do. He dont want to accept to himself that he have a bipolar disorder.
Just dropped by your site for the first time. I see this interesting post is from a month ago; you mention trouble with the Holiday Season, and I hope you got through it well and are looking forward to spring. CBT has helped me, too. Like you say, it takes work. I’m struggling to keep in mind some spiritual truths that once seemed obvious to me, but which my complaining and rational mind has talked me out of over the years. Things like universal love, cosmic unity, and the rightness of creation. I use these things in my own CBT to counteract my thoughts of worthlessness, isolation, and fragmentation. As you point out, so much comes from the messages of childhood, and shame about origins. CBT is a great tool to use for reality-checking, and it’s nice to read about it.
Being lonely in a crowded room. Feeling sad and not knowing why, not being able to sleep, waking up in the morning not being able to move, giving up your life out of no choice, crying for no reason, making a demon appear in your head. Listen to its horrid world making your life spin in circles not knowing what path to take. The dead end of a road. The coffee black peice in your soul, not resting till the end of time, never leting it forget you, eating your soul, mind and heart. Try to run as you will, you life will be taken. Draging you one foot at a time into hell. The suicide you wish you could have just to end the pain. Pity when you hate others sympathy. Self hatred, sadness, anger, darkness, deadly, lonely, sorrowing, regreting, perpetual, and killing. Giving up your dreams to be stuck in the enternal force of demonic gravity. It is a world. It is my life.
I can definitely relate to your post. I know so many people who struggle everyday from a mental illness. I think the first step is recognition. I’ve found Silver Hill’s psychiatric hospital to be very informative. They have clinicians trained in evaluation, diagnosis and treatment. They also provide hope for people who may be looking for the right care.